Life as a James Bond Movie

Hey guess what? I’ve just invented a new verb: ‘To James Bond’. It’s not in the Oxford Dictionary yet, but it might be defined as: ‘to drive recklessly like a raving bloody lunatic’.

An example in context might be: ‘the BMW was James Bonding it along the highway..” or “I James Bonded through town on the way to work”. Let me explain further…

Before I came to live in Kuching, I never imagined I would be taking my life in my own hands, every single day. I always believed that if you want to risk your life on a daily basis, join the army, go to Iraq, don't go and live in a lovely peaceful tropical country like Malaysia.

But how wrong I was! I think I have come close to death more times since I came to live in Kuching (seven years ago) than I have in my entire life. As a famous British comedian once said: I've never had an accident, but I've seen thousands!

The problem in Kuching, and, maybe, much of Malaysia, is that firstly many roads are in a poor state and secondly the attitude of some drivers stinks like a sewer on a hot Friday afternoon in the dry season. Let me elaborate...

In Kuching, for example, some roads are badly built and poorly designed. Two lanes suddenly merge into one lane, or sometimes become three lanes, causing many bumper-to-bumper contact situations and loud honkings. Also, the signposts are sometimes missing or confusing, adding even more to the fun of discovery. And of course there is the road surface itself.

The road I travel to work on every morning is a classic example - I have got used to it by now but every mile I travel is a boneshaking bumpfest because of the potholes and uneven road surface which often makes my daily drive resemble a flight in a light aircraft in a thunderstorm.

Of course, I must add that not all roads in Kuching are like this - in fact many have been marvellously improved and straightened out in the last couple of years. But, the road I travel on to work every day is still a legendary challenge worth writing about.

In fact, I would argue that the state of some roads is not actually the real problem. The real problem is the state of the drivers themselves.

The Malaysian government has made a lot of commendable effort recently to change people's attitudes - introducing tougher penalties, warning people to drive slower, exhorting people to think of their families waiting at home, and showing grisly TV adverts in which whole families get mangled because of one reckless driver. And yet despite all this creditable moral pressure, some people still drive like they are in a perpetual James Bond movie.

Simply put, people drive too fast. Full stop. When they get behind the wheel of a car, many drivers undergo an instant personality change. I think it might be caused by the fact that a car’s interior in the tropics is a cool bubble of comfort which seals you off from the stifling heat outside. Your brain goes cold, and so does your blood.

Let me give you an idea by listing the 15 most common driving phenomena and behaviours I have observed in Kuching.

1. Driving too fast (James Bonding it). Any time, any place, anywhere. Night or day. Men, women, young, old. Nobody ever seems to get caught by the police. I see the results every day in the form of broken glass near junctions, bits of motorbike strewn on the roadside and, quite frequently, smashed cars lying on their sides in fantastically unlikely positions surrounded by onlookers taking note of the registration number.

2. Not using indicators - I have lost count of the number of times that I have had to screech to a halt to avoid hitting a car in front of me because it did not use its indicator. In fact, I have gradually developed "Malaysian Telepathy" (MT) - a Jedi-like power which enables you to predict another driver's intentions - especially useful when the car in front of you is about to turn left or right at a junction.

3. Hogging the right-hand overtake lane - especially trucks and often quite powerful cars - they deliberately drive slowly and stay in the overtake lane, forcing drivers to (illegally) overtake on the left.

4. Overtaking you at high speed - not really such a bad driving practice unless it is carried out by overloaded trucks or buses, vans full of school children, or little 1.0 litre cars packed to the windows with young students.

5. Ignoring lane markings - Very common practice. People don't indicate before changing lanes or they drive straddling two lane markers. I have frequently seen cars moving from right to left across three lanes to get to the lane on the left, without indicating or slowing down for other drivers.

6. Tailgating - driving right up behind you - especially taxis, big trucks and four-wheel drive jeeps. Almost tempts me to hit my brake suddenly, just to scare them.

7. Driving with arm and or feet dangling out of the window. Not really unsafe, but very irritating and rude, in my opinion. Reminds me of orang-utans, but less cute!

8. Driving while using a mobile phone. What else can I say?

9. Driving with your little boy or girl sitting on your lap holding the steering wheel. This happens. Honest!

10. Weaving in and out of traffic - especially motorbikes who presumably have the upper hand in traffic jams.

11. Riding a motorbike with mum, dad and three kids all holding on for dear life - a forgivable sin in some ways as many people don't have a choice.

12. Overtaking ten cars in the face of oncoming traffic - I saw this once when the traffic on the way to work stopped for a few minutes because of road works.

13. Not stopping to give way at roundabouts - roundabouts don't really work here in Kuching because people never ever stop to let you out of a junction - instead you are forced to risk your life by pushing into the first gap that you see.

14. Coming straight out of a junction without looking - this has nearly killed me and my family several times.

15. Driving too slowly. Believe it or not, this sometimes happens too!!

And I could go on and on and on. All we need is helicopters chasing you with machine guns and motorbikes with rocket launchers to make driving in Kuching the complete James Bond 007 experience.

But please don't be put off from coming to Kuching - it really is a great place and it’s not quite as bad as all that. After all, I’ve survived seven years and my no-claims bonus is still intact, as is my skull...