Asian Air(ip off)

Imagine my shock yesterday when, during a visit to Kuching International Airport, I learned that a prominent local low-cost airline is imposing a "baggage handling" charge for every bag checked in for a flight.

I mean come on, play the white man, be fair! What's the world coming to? "Gore blimey luv a duck gawd bless the Queen" as they say in London! Charging a fee for bags that you as a paying customer want to take with you on your holiday? I understand that you have to pay a charge if your bags are too heavy, OK - we know planes can't take off if they have too much excess weight. But paying in addition for each bag you check into the hold? Never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life!!

So I take it that means we are now having to PAY for the privilege of baggage handling. I thought the baggage handlers were paid wages to do their job? So does this now mean that they are to be paid out of the proceeds from the baggage handling fee?

Great thinking, that means that even more of our bags will come out at the other end forced open, with items missing, and wheels and handles broken than is the case now, because the baggage handlers will be so poorly paid and won't give a damn! Perhaps we are going to be asked to check in our own baggage one of these days. I can imagine my 73 year-old mother in law carrying her bags over to the plane and throwing them onto the conveyor belt!

Apart from sheer untrammelled shameful greed, I cannot see any sensible reason why the said airline is charging this fee. Oh I forgot, there is another reason. They are doing it because they can, because they know they have you by the short and curlies and that most of you either can't or won't afford to fly with the national full-service carrier, even though said carrier doesn't charge you for all the bags you check in....

You know, I am aware I am probably spitting in the wind on this, but I think this is all part of some social engineering scam designed to stop us taking our own possessions with us on our holidays and business trips. I mean, let's face it, who needs to take lots of bulky clothes or toiletries when we can buy these things at our destination, then throw them away before we come home?!?!

Ah, I think I've got it now! I know the real reason why this measure has been brought in, apart from greed and selfishness and all the other seven deadly sins. This is part of a new strategy by the airline to squeeze even more dosh from its paying customers and still maintain the appearance of running a safe and cheap airline. And they are going to do it like this:

1. The baggage handling charge will lead to fewer bags being checked in, leaving large empty spaces in the hold which will be fitted with special bed-seats for more passengers. These seats will be the cheapest seats in the airline industry.

2. The passengers will be able to hire nice red Santa Claus suits to protect them from the sub-zero temperatures they will experience at high altitude if they are seated in the hold. Ice cream and oxygen will, for the time being, be free of charge...

3. Passengers will be able to purchase items such as toiletries, clothing, paperback books, toys electronic items, and suitcases from the cabin staff during the flight.

4. When this baggage handling charge is in place, it will contribute to air safety, because how can terrorists blow up the plane if there are no bags in the hold for them to hide their bombs in?!

Oops! I forgot about the poor Santa Clauses huddled together in the hold!! Some of them might be terrorists!!

Or unemployed baggage handlers!!!