Coining It In

Ever since the Americans buggered up the world oil supply by invading Iraq, the price of oil has rapidly headed North, making it more important than ever for frequent flyers to get value for money. And here in Malaysia, that means Air Asia – the fastest growing low-cost airline in Asia.

If I’m not travelling on official business (when I use Malaysian Airlines (MAS)), I use Air Asia, mainly because it’s a little bit cheaper than MAS. But cheap does not necessarily mean cheerful.

Being a Low Cost Carrier, Air Asia exists only to cut costs and therefore maximise profits. You see evidence of this all throughout their operations - the ground staff often double up as cabin attendants, you don’t get a guaranteed seat unless you pay extra on your ticket, and once you get on board, you have to pay for the in-flight meals and drinks. Also, you often find the interior of the cabin is slightly less clean than on other airlines, because Air Asia saves on cleaning costs.

Now that the price of a barrel of oil is creeping towards $100, I’m beginning to wonder how many more ways Air Asia can economise, apart of course from adding lots of hidden extra charges to the ticket price and forcing travellers back onto MAS.

This idle speculation led me to think of a particularly dark and somewhat comical possibility which I would not be surprised to see happening in reality. What if, in order to save fuel costs, one of the Low Cost Carriers such as Air Asia actually passed on the cost of the fuel the aircraft was using to the passengers, while they are actually flying?

Imagine this if you will: instead of including fuel surcharges in the ticket price, the Low Cost Carrier installs little coin meters next to every seat in the cabins of its aircraft. Once the plane takes off, and reaches cruising altitude, an automatic switch on the flight deck will cut off the fuel supply to the engines.

Then, A little voice will announce over the PA system: “good evening ladies and gentlement, you are advised that in order to restore fuel supply to the aircraft engines, guests must insert the sum of five Ringgit Malaysia into the coin slot on your seat. Only 50 sen coins are accepted by the machine at this time. If you require change, please approach one of our cabin attendants. Have a nice day and enjoy your flight!”

You can imagine the ensuing scramble for 50 sen pieces and the mad rush to feed them into the little slots, just like the slot machines in a Vegas casino. Everyone in the plane will be frantically feeding coins into their slots, shouting and cursing when they drop some, anxiously eyeing the little display monitor on the cabin bulkhead that tells them how much money has been collected, and how much more needs to be fed in.

And as the required amount is reached, the plane’s engines will start to whine again, the aircon and lights will power up, and the aircraft will come out of its nose-dive after the pilots have managed to steer it away from catastrophe.

Don’t laugh! Don’t think this can never happen. Remember, how many people twenty years ago would have believed that we would be flying around on an airline that makes you pay for your food? How many people would have thought it possible that free-seating would become the norm on a major international airline? And how many people would have dreamed that the price of oil would approach $100 a barrel?

Certainly not me.