Phantom Vibrations

Strange things happen when you wear your mobile phone clipped to your belt…

Apart from constant cramp caused by the damned thing digging into your gut when you are sitting down, and the constant danger of someone snatching your phone when you’re not looking, there is a very spooky phenomenon associated with wearing your phone on your belt. It’s called the Phantom Vibrations!!!

Allow me to explain. I’ve never understood people who carry their phones in their hands everywhere they go. I mean don’t they want to have both hands free when they are watching TV, going to the toilet, drinking coffee, shaking hands or (God forbid) riding their motorbikes? My niece, who is staying with us for a while, sometimes carries TWO phones AND her purse at the same time when we go out to Chillipeppers. I mean, haven’t these people heard of POCKETS or BAGS?

So, when I carry my phone, I want to keep it somewhere out of the way, unobtrusive and not causing any encumbrance, because I’m the kinda guy who definitely does not like to have both hands full. And that’s why I wear my phone, inside a neat little leather pouch, clipped to my belt.

You wouldn't have guessed it, but I’m very particular about phone etiquette. I’m one of those people who were born before mobile phones started to take over our lives. So I believe that it is ostentatious and showy and pretentious to carry your phone around everywhere you go, letting all and sundry see it. I believe that your phone should be carried discreetly out of sight, like James Bond carries his gun, only to be whipped out when needed.

I also believe that it is extremely rude to let your phone ring loudly in public, especially in meetings, at dinner or in cinemas, and especially if your ring tone sounds like Mozart, a police siren, or even worse, like the latest Justin Timberlake song.

So, I always have my phone on silent mode, or, as it’s sometimes known, kinky mode….And it’s kinky, because, ahem, it VIBRATES when someone is calling you or sending you a message. And that’s fine and dandy with me.

But, and here is the really eerie bit: sometimes, the vibrations are not real. THEY ARE PHANTOM VIBRATIONS!!! This unearthly phenomenon has happened to me several times now. Picture the scene. I’m in the restaurant with the family and I feel that little tingling feeling at my left hip that tells me a call is being made. So I say to the wife “oh, someone is calling me, darling”, and promptly reach for my phone. But, but no call is registered on the phone’s screen!! THE CALL DID NOT EXIST!! IT WAS A PHANTOM VIBRATION!!!

It even happens in the car, while driving, for goodness’ sake! I’m driving along nice and jolly, then suddenly, I feel that little vibratory thrill on my left gut and, as soon as I check the phone later on to see who it was who called me, THERE IS NOTHING THERE!!!!

And it even happens when I’m not carrying my phone!! What’s going on?!?!

Now, I’m not suggesting there is any supernatural origin to this phenomenon. I don’t really believe in ghosts. It’s probably caused by wishful thinking, or a freak nervous reaction to my constantly getting messages or calls, or a reaction to too many fizzy drinks. Or maybe it might be highly localized hunger pangs.

Or it might just be secret messages being transmitted to my tummy by aliens. Maybe one night, when I was asleep, little green alien doctors came crawling through my window and implanted a little alien tracking device in my gut. And when I get my phantom vibrations, that can mean only one thing…….THEY’RE COMING TO REMOVE THE STITCHES!!!

But seriously, whatever it is, I just put it down to one of the inevitable consequences of using technological tools in the early 21^st Century. I know what you’re thinking!! Wash your mouth out with soap and water!!!!